1 Conserve your energy and don’t bark unless you have something really important to say, or momma is withholding toys or treats, or she says, “talk!”
2 Just because someone sniffs your butt and wants to play doesn’t mean you have to like them back. Ignore politely.
3 Similarly if they don’t reciprocate your interest - let it go. Life is short. Sniff a plant.
4 Occasionally when you do encounter someone you actually click with, have pure unadulterated fun, run around in zoomies until you can’t breathe, thrust your whole wiggly little body and soul into this brief wondrous moment. Then forget them. Go home and sleep.
5 Try to conquer your fear of flies.
6 Greet everyone who visits with warmth and joy. Express how happy you are to see them. Then go to your bed in the other room and chill until dinner is served.
7 Avoid the packs of dogs playing boisterously at dog parks. Stick to the edges, get your fill of all the delicious smells of earth and plant and air and light. Delight in being outside and free. Roll in something dead.
8 Avoid screens. Paw at momma when she has been on her phone or in front of the computer for too long. Sit in front of the TV and stare intensely at momma as she watches yet another episode of Ancient Aliens. Why momma, why?
9 Be happy with your hair - whether it’s short or long, frizzy or straight. Don’t worry too much about how others see you, whether you get mistaken for a bichon or a poodle or a moodle. You know you’re a queer white-passing schnoodle and that’s all that matters.
10 Be secure in knowing momma, her friends (especially favourite aunties) and all your friends - Mr Blue, Snake, Patches, T-shirt Rope - will always be there for you.
© Jane Park
